They Say He Died Tonight.

They say he died tonight.

fearless, spotless, selfless...

but even if he took the sins of the whole world
why are most of them sent to hell

he saves some, but not all:

is it in the name of grace that he condemns to death
the very soul of someone destined to never hear his words?
knit together just like any other,
with thoughts and emotions and feelings and fears...
sentenced before life to die.

They say he died tonight.

righteous, loving, compassionate...

But is that compassion?
like leaving parts of a family in a burning building
just because they're not meant to be saved

he saves some, but not all:

am I to take that as grace given to me
to be the "some" and not the "others?"
am I naive to think this way
and love a God who willingly saves...

yet why save all if some still die?

They say he died tonight.



Help me.



I seek to understand.

Swirl

Sing it away
Scrape off the thoughts
From the inside of my head

Let the light in again
Just let it...
Don't cloud it
Clear against the depths



The desire to change
Thickens my spit

A Dream - A Description

Lord please give him hope
please give him hope
please give him hope (repeat)

(an oxygen mask)

i can't breathe
i can't breathe
i can't sleep
i can't wake up
(there was more but I lost it)

Pictures on the floor:
1.
2.
(these slipped away)

3. "a boy I only just met"
4. "a bedroom romance"
6. "sleeping side by side, arms not touching"
7. "an institution"

I am actually writing a serious post about my life

I'm on spring break now. My last spring break ever, unless I ever choose to get a Master's Degree.

Graduating college is weird to think about.

Even though life holds so much uncertainty for me, today was a great day to exist. Creatively, my mind's floodgates opened: musically, artistically, etc. I thought I would write on here for a change. 

about that uncertainty:

What will I do next? who knows. I've met so many amazing people who inspire me recently. My life is becoming split in two, geographically speaking.

I have 4 more months to decide:

The people? The place I love? What I think I want? What I need? What's "smart?"

Portland or Seattle?

I would love and cherish both, but picking one will certainly cause me to mourn the other choice.

My newest song's lyrics outline this struggle:

The clouds break and I shiver

The sun does not warm us yet

Will I go, or will I remain?

Seek the night or follow the day

All this decision weighs

There must be somewhere we can go

Will I go, or will I remain?

Seek the night or follow the day

Will I know, or will I be shown

Why your love will not be sown

in me

we plan, we plan, we plan, he laughs

These lyrics also bring up the religious struggle that has been boiling in me for the past few months. I am still confident in the existence of God but I feel the need to re-learn, re-study, and reset my views. Where once I held on for what God could do for me, I am convinced now that that is not true religion. I am not waiting on a sign, because true signs don't exist any more. Blind men are not healed with mud, the crippled do not truly walk free, the dead are not raised to life...

The erratic and erroneous ways of this world have permeated my life, but I hold onto the view that there is deeper meaning and shining purpose to be discovered. I want this to be God, even the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition and faith...but its hard for me now.

Maybe Paul the apostle was right in his letter to the Galatians: I need to turn from my old ways and continue walking in the new.

but the "new" is not new to me anymore...

I'm sure when I read this in 6 months I'll smile slightly, sigh, and shake my head and wonder "why are you so stupid"

Infographics can go to hell

defining moments of clarity in the midst of clouded jejune experience

On the Safest Ledge

Sometimes you can't help but wonder why everything in your life has happened the way it has. Why has God placed every individual that is in our lives, in our lives? And why do we spend so much time wishing we were someone else, when our own story can be more remarkable than we think? Why do the people you invest in the most seem to be the ones that don't want your love? Why and how do our bodies just continue to function without any conscious prompt from ourselves?
The questions could go on forever. We as humans will always try to understand but we never fully will. Not in this reality, this plane, this existence. We'll never fully explain the true depth of those feelings, never entirely explain the darkest corners, the brightest expanses, the most microscopic places, the most enormous spaces.

We can explain shadows, we see shadows, we experience shadows. they are only shadows.

every glorious moment, every stupid heady drug rush, every butterfly in your acid-filled stomach, every disgustingly beautiful crunch in the disintegrating gravel, every droning aural experience.

They are shadows.


But one day i will find myself on the safest ledge, and I'll know.

The questions will all be answered in full. There will be no shadows as far as i know. and there will be light. And the light will be true, warm, comforting, lovely, cradling.

"could you be happy to fall like a stone, if you'd land right here safe in my arms?"