Graduating college is weird to think about.
Even though life holds so much uncertainty for me, today was a great day to exist. Creatively, my mind's floodgates opened: musically, artistically, etc. I thought I would write on here for a change.
about that uncertainty:
What will I do next? who knows. I've met so many amazing people who inspire me recently. My life is becoming split in two, geographically speaking.
I have 4 more months to decide:
The people? The place I love? What I think I want? What I need? What's "smart?"
Portland or Seattle?
I would love and cherish both, but picking one will certainly cause me to mourn the other choice.
My newest song's lyrics outline this struggle:
The clouds break and I shiver
The sun does not warm us yet
Will I go, or will I remain?
Seek the night or follow the day
All this decision weighs
There must be somewhere we can go
Will I go, or will I remain?
Seek the night or follow the day
Will I know, or will I be shown
Why your love will not be sown
in me
we plan, we plan, we plan, he laughs
These lyrics also bring up the religious struggle that has been boiling in me for the past few months. I am still confident in the existence of God but I feel the need to re-learn, re-study, and reset my views. Where once I held on for what God could do for me, I am convinced now that that is not true religion. I am not waiting on a sign, because true signs don't exist any more. Blind men are not healed with mud, the crippled do not truly walk free, the dead are not raised to life...
The erratic and erroneous ways of this world have permeated my life, but I hold onto the view that there is deeper meaning and shining purpose to be discovered. I want this to be God, even the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition and faith...but its hard for me now.
Maybe Paul the apostle was right in his letter to the Galatians: I need to turn from my old ways and continue walking in the new.
but the "new" is not new to me anymore...
I'm sure when I read this in 6 months I'll smile slightly, sigh, and shake my head and wonder "why are you so stupid"
No comments:
Post a Comment