Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Sharp


as i sweat
the pain does not leave me
and the anxiety
keeps me quiet
 
my brother hasn't shown up
and I doubt i'll be better by tomorrow

i've tried sleeping it off like i have before
and its not working


it's not working

Friday, June 13, 2014

this holy year


it started to sink in tonight,
as i sank into my bed and felt nausea creep through my stomach.

graduation:

"look at the silly hat they make us wear"

attention attention attention attention oh stop it

the baccalaureate:

as they sang i felt tears spring up but not fall
the weight of the words resonating within me
as i recalled the lines springing forth from my past

but my "newfound reason" quelled me; should I ignore emotion?

ah, the strangeness of it all.

but even as I move,
I do not move

I stay, again in between
neither in
nor out

and tomorrow I walk among a sea of faces again
each with concerns of their own
none less painfully beautiful than the other 

and I know I will wonder again and again and again
how it swirled so quickly
down the stream and on towards the river
raging and roaring, billowing and rolling

and these turbulent waters will not cease
til dancing and cavorting around the rocks and rapids
flirting with danger and weeping as we suffer
we will arrive at some great ocean

and be carried into the arms of the sea
entering from life to death
but not dying in death 
and not living only in life

for:

"life is not the opposite of death.
death is the opposite of birth.
life is eternal."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, this holy year
of some great lament
some tragic loss
some deep pain

of love deeper still
to be promised 
but harder still
to accept

oh, this holy year.


Saturday, June 7, 2014

Float


I feel like crying


I just want to be held and held and held and kept

close to someone else's heart

because I can't keep holding mine


...


The shooting surprised me

everyone's in a state

a girl I've met just once hugged me as I passed

there were tears in her eyes


yet I can't cry a drop


Just lift me into your cosmic arms

and suspend me above the earth

that i may see everything

and that you may tell me


or you may not


because, after all,

i've never heard your voice

unless its spoken out of the broken pots

you call "messengers"


so take that as you will


but if solace can be found

even in these dark days

in this relationship that is said to breathe

then i am for it


if it means that peace will multiply


then let it grow

and grow and grow and grow

til we're past the clouds

and left with nothing but the wind in our heads


and the sound of your voice


gently speaking us away
 
from the harm we cause ourselves

and the love we never give

let us float


Oh Lord, let us float.



Friday, April 18, 2014

They Say He Died Tonight.

They say he died tonight.

fearless, spotless, selfless...

but even if he took the sins of the whole world
why are most of them sent to hell

he saves some, but not all:

is it in the name of grace that he condemns to death
the very soul of someone destined to never hear his words?
knit together just like any other,
with thoughts and emotions and feelings and fears...
sentenced before life to die.

They say he died tonight.

righteous, loving, compassionate...

But is that compassion?
like leaving parts of a family in a burning building
just because they're not meant to be saved

he saves some, but not all:

am I to take that as grace given to me
to be the "some" and not the "others?"
am I naive to think this way
and love a God who willingly saves...

yet why save all if some still die?

They say he died tonight.



Help me.



I seek to understand.




Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Swirl

Sing it away
Scrape off the thoughts
From the inside of my head

Let the light in again
Just let it...
Don't cloud it
Clear against the depths



The desire to change
Thickens my spit



Thursday, April 3, 2014

A Dream - A Description

Lord please give him hope
please give him hope
please give him hope (repeat)

(an oxygen mask)

i can't breathe
i can't breathe
i can't sleep
i can't wake up
(there was more but I lost it)

Pictures on the floor:
1.
2.
(these slipped away)

3. "a boy I only just met"
4. "a bedroom romance"
6. "sleeping side by side, arms not touching"
7. "an institution"

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I am actually writing a serious post about my life

I'm on spring break now. My last spring break ever, unless I ever choose to get a Master's Degree.

Graduating college is weird to think about.

Even though life holds so much uncertainty for me, today was a great day to exist. Creatively, my mind's floodgates opened: musically, artistically, etc. I thought I would write on here for a change. 

about that uncertainty:

What will I do next? who knows. I've met so many amazing people who inspire me recently. My life is becoming split in two, geographically speaking.

I have 4 more months to decide:

The people? The place I love? What I think I want? What I need? What's "smart?"

Portland or Seattle?

I would love and cherish both, but picking one will certainly cause me to mourn the other choice.

My newest song's lyrics outline this struggle:

The clouds break and I shiver
The sun does not warm us yet

Will I go, or will I remain?
Seek the night or follow the day

All this decision weighs
There must be somewhere we can go

Will I go, or will I remain?
Seek the night or follow the day
Will I know, or will I be shown
Why your love will not be sown

in me

we plan, we plan, we plan, he laughs

These lyrics also bring up the religious struggle that has been boiling in me for the past few months. I am still confident in the existence of God but I feel the need to re-learn, re-study, and reset my views. Where once I held on for what God could do for me, I am convinced now that that is not true religion. I am not waiting on a sign, because true signs don't exist any more. Blind men are not healed with mud, the crippled do not truly walk free, the dead are not raised to life...

The erratic and erroneous ways of this world have permeated my life, but I hold onto the view that there is deeper meaning and shining purpose to be discovered. I want this to be God, even the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition and faith...but its hard for me now.

Maybe Paul the apostle was right in his letter to the Galatians: I need to turn from my old ways and continue walking in the new.

but the "new" is not new to me anymore...





I'm sure when I read this in 6 months I'll smile slightly, sigh, and shake my head and wonder "why are you so stupid"