a lone way

Without my friends

I feel as though passing slowly

through some void,

I have forgotten light


Even though the sun burns

with less and less heat

It shows me the mountains

but they feel unattainable


Eyes glued to the screens

whether active or inactive

my retinas start to burn

like the aforementioned sun


Progress tries to blossom

and progress does become a bud

but nothing more than that

and later, the insomnia returns


come back, just come back

I had never realised

how much I needed your voices

to carry me through


and now darkness will swiftly

sweep me into a state of null

and the old ache will murmur

as I drift into sleep

Autumn Leaves Us

my body fails me every two months

like frozen blades of grass

that snap and regrow


and my ten toes

wiggle and chill

and my ten fingers

folding out my hands

to reach for another


and in these days

i am grateful that hot summer

is gone and done

and i'll never have to live it again

 so why do i feel like this?



To find out, I'll read another page

in my stack of heavy books

and try and prove my worth

as if it could be proven

by marks on a page

F

Fight fight fight fight!


forcing a darkness away

feeling its depth, like

fleshly thoughts you can't arrange


floundering harder than ever

floating on land, like

fleeting thoughts you wish you'd sever


flecks of dark still

flocking to you, like

fervent demons that keep you ill


fill this empty vessel

folding softly, like

flickering wings wrapped around your temple

Sharp

as i sweat
the pain does not leave me
and the anxiety
keeps me quiet
 
my brother hasn't shown up
and I doubt i'll be better by tomorrow

i've tried sleeping it off like i have before
and its not working


it's not working

this holy year

it started to sink in tonight,
as i sank into my bed and felt nausea creep through my stomach.

graduation:

"look at the silly hat they make us wear"

attention attention attention attention oh stop it

the baccalaureate:

as they sang i felt tears spring up but not fall
the weight of the words resonating within me
as i recalled the lines springing forth from my past

but my "newfound reason" quelled me; should I ignore emotion?

ah, the strangeness of it all.

but even as I move,
I do not move

I stay, again in between
neither in
nor out

and tomorrow I walk among a sea of faces again
each with concerns of their own
none less painfully beautiful than the other 

and I know I will wonder again and again and again
how it swirled so quickly
down the stream and on towards the river
raging and roaring, billowing and rolling

and these turbulent waters will not cease
til dancing and cavorting around the rocks and rapids
flirting with danger and weeping as we suffer
we will arrive at some great ocean

and be carried into the arms of the sea
entering from life to death
but not dying in death 
and not living only in life

for:

"life is not the opposite of death.
death is the opposite of birth.
life is eternal."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, this holy year
of some great lament
some tragic loss
some deep pain

of love deeper still
to be promised 
but harder still
to accept

oh, this holy year.

Float

I feel like crying


I just want to be held and held and held and kept

close to someone else's heart

because I can't keep holding mine


...


The shooting surprised me

everyone's in a state

a girl I've met just once hugged me as I passed

there were tears in her eyes


yet I can't cry a drop


Just lift me into your cosmic arms

and suspend me above the earth

that i may see everything

and that you may tell me


or you may not


because, after all,

i've never heard your voice

unless its spoken out of the broken pots

you call "messengers"


so take that as you will


but if solace can be found

even in these dark days

in this relationship that is said to breathe

then i am for it


if it means that peace will multiply


then let it grow

and grow and grow and grow

til we're past the clouds

and left with nothing but the wind in our heads


and the sound of your voice


gently speaking us away
 
from the harm we cause ourselves

and the love we never give

let us float


Oh Lord, let us float.

They Say He Died Tonight.

They say he died tonight.

fearless, spotless, selfless...

but even if he took the sins of the whole world
why are most of them sent to hell

he saves some, but not all:

is it in the name of grace that he condemns to death
the very soul of someone destined to never hear his words?
knit together just like any other,
with thoughts and emotions and feelings and fears...
sentenced before life to die.

They say he died tonight.

righteous, loving, compassionate...

But is that compassion?
like leaving parts of a family in a burning building
just because they're not meant to be saved

he saves some, but not all:

am I to take that as grace given to me
to be the "some" and not the "others?"
am I naive to think this way
and love a God who willingly saves...

yet why save all if some still die?

They say he died tonight.



Help me.



I seek to understand.