Float

I feel like crying


I just want to be held and held and held and kept

close to someone else's heart

because I can't keep holding mine


...


The shooting surprised me

everyone's in a state

a girl I've met just once hugged me as I passed

there were tears in her eyes


yet I can't cry a drop


Just lift me into your cosmic arms

and suspend me above the earth

that i may see everything

and that you may tell me


or you may not


because, after all,

i've never heard your voice

unless its spoken out of the broken pots

you call "messengers"


so take that as you will


but if solace can be found

even in these dark days

in this relationship that is said to breathe

then i am for it


if it means that peace will multiply


then let it grow

and grow and grow and grow

til we're past the clouds

and left with nothing but the wind in our heads


and the sound of your voice


gently speaking us away
 
from the harm we cause ourselves

and the love we never give

let us float


Oh Lord, let us float.

They Say He Died Tonight.

They say he died tonight.

fearless, spotless, selfless...

but even if he took the sins of the whole world
why are most of them sent to hell

he saves some, but not all:

is it in the name of grace that he condemns to death
the very soul of someone destined to never hear his words?
knit together just like any other,
with thoughts and emotions and feelings and fears...
sentenced before life to die.

They say he died tonight.

righteous, loving, compassionate...

But is that compassion?
like leaving parts of a family in a burning building
just because they're not meant to be saved

he saves some, but not all:

am I to take that as grace given to me
to be the "some" and not the "others?"
am I naive to think this way
and love a God who willingly saves...

yet why save all if some still die?

They say he died tonight.



Help me.



I seek to understand.

Swirl

Sing it away
Scrape off the thoughts
From the inside of my head

Let the light in again
Just let it...
Don't cloud it
Clear against the depths



The desire to change
Thickens my spit

A Dream - A Description

Lord please give him hope
please give him hope
please give him hope (repeat)

(an oxygen mask)

i can't breathe
i can't breathe
i can't sleep
i can't wake up
(there was more but I lost it)

Pictures on the floor:
1.
2.
(these slipped away)

3. "a boy I only just met"
4. "a bedroom romance"
6. "sleeping side by side, arms not touching"
7. "an institution"

I am actually writing a serious post about my life

I'm on spring break now. My last spring break ever, unless I ever choose to get a Master's Degree.

Graduating college is weird to think about.

Even though life holds so much uncertainty for me, today was a great day to exist. Creatively, my mind's floodgates opened: musically, artistically, etc. I thought I would write on here for a change. 

about that uncertainty:

What will I do next? who knows. I've met so many amazing people who inspire me recently. My life is becoming split in two, geographically speaking.

I have 4 more months to decide:

The people? The place I love? What I think I want? What I need? What's "smart?"

Portland or Seattle?

I would love and cherish both, but picking one will certainly cause me to mourn the other choice.

My newest song's lyrics outline this struggle:

The clouds break and I shiver

The sun does not warm us yet

Will I go, or will I remain?

Seek the night or follow the day

All this decision weighs

There must be somewhere we can go

Will I go, or will I remain?

Seek the night or follow the day

Will I know, or will I be shown

Why your love will not be sown

in me

we plan, we plan, we plan, he laughs

These lyrics also bring up the religious struggle that has been boiling in me for the past few months. I am still confident in the existence of God but I feel the need to re-learn, re-study, and reset my views. Where once I held on for what God could do for me, I am convinced now that that is not true religion. I am not waiting on a sign, because true signs don't exist any more. Blind men are not healed with mud, the crippled do not truly walk free, the dead are not raised to life...

The erratic and erroneous ways of this world have permeated my life, but I hold onto the view that there is deeper meaning and shining purpose to be discovered. I want this to be God, even the God of the Judeo-Christian tradition and faith...but its hard for me now.

Maybe Paul the apostle was right in his letter to the Galatians: I need to turn from my old ways and continue walking in the new.

but the "new" is not new to me anymore...

I'm sure when I read this in 6 months I'll smile slightly, sigh, and shake my head and wonder "why are you so stupid"

Infographics can go to hell

defining moments of clarity in the midst of clouded jejune experience